A grave danger threatens every man, women, and child in our country today. And from this menace, no one is safe. This silent killer sleeps in every home and slowly makes its way into the hands of children, parents, and even our elderly population. It permeates every facet of our life in many different forms. On the street, they call this toxic substance: Sugar.
Extracted from sugar cane and sugar beets, it was first used as a pharmaceutical ingredient to mask the bitter taste of medicines, but as our addiction to this poison grew, we began adding it to other foods as well. Now one in three foods contain at least some portion of sugar as their primary ingredient.
Now is the time to take a stand against this bittersweet enemy. And toward this noble and rightful cause I am here today to present a motion to create and establish a new office within our federal government: the Bureau of Uniform License and Logistics for the Sugar Help Interment Team (BULLSHIT).
BULLSHIT will now govern all consumption and distribution of this deadly substance, and henceforth, BULLSHIT shall be the source of several anti-task forces to help implement new legislation to protect our children from this dangerous spice.
For too long, freewill has allowed the American public to indulge in such acts of sweet suicide as apple pie, twinkies, carbonated sodas, pixie stix, and even such lethal doses of sugar contained in the infamous sweet tarts. BULLSHIT shall be used as both a way and means to correct this unalienable error.
Under our new BULLSHIT laws, agencies will be created, not only to remove the current sugar threat from every home in America, but to eradicate the evil at its source. Our own NASIs (North American Sugar Investigators) will seek out this threat wherever it exists, fighting the enemy where it grows to decrease the battles we must fight here at home.
To combat this threat to national security, we shall implement the RAPE act (Ready Against Potential Emergencies). This act will probe all cracks in the body of public security. In accordance with the RAPE act, all citizens must allow the federal government unrestricted entry into their dwelling for the purpose of investigating any and all contents. Through the RAPE act, we will be able to remove the last grain of sugar from the streets of America.
Our primary concern in the war on sugar is the protection of our most vulnerable and precious resource - our children. For too long, this evil spice has made our children hyperactive, uncontrollable, and at times, down right unbearable. Now we must come together and implement programs to thwart this nemesis before it destroys future generations. To insure that no child is left behind, CHIPs (Child Help Implementation Programs) will be required for all children. These CHIPs will monitor and enable the federal government to ensure a sugar-free society, twenty-four hours a day.
Eliminating sugar, or as radical insurgents call it, "sweet freedom," from the streets of America is the sole objective of the NASIs. And through BULLSHIT and RAPE, we will succeed in eliminating this threat from the face of our planet. For while even one "sugar junkie" is allowed to roam free, we are all at risk of hedonistic pleasures spreading into the minds of generations to come. Now is the time for those who refuse to allow "sweet freedom" to devour the minds of their children to act swiftly and without regard for consequence. For what is at stake here is a big idea, a New World Order without the threat of "sweet freedom" contaminating the minds of addicts pleading for more of the same.
No longer can we afford to allow the general public access to any form of "sweet freedom." Now we must take active steps to generate a Project for a New American Campaign (PNAC) that will integrate our efforts to eliminate all "sweet freedom" where it begins - at home. And by working with our neighbors to the north and south, BULLSHIT will allow the NASIs to stop the last drop of "sweet freedom" from crossing our borders and infiltrating American lives.
Our greatest ally in the war against sugar is also our greatest enemy: the American public. For while even one American still hungers for "sweet freedom," we shall be engaged in a battle against the tyranny of personal taste. But when the last American is unwilling to allow even a single drop of "sweet freedom" to touch their tongue, then, through laws enacted by BULLSHIT, CHIPs, RAPE, and with the help of our own NASIs ... the federal government will have won the war against sugar.